What Women Want
I’ve never had an easy time meeting women and could never figure them out. I am extremely shy but I have made hundreds of efforts and over the course of my nearly 70 years, have lived with three women – relationships that didn’t end up working out for various reasons. While anyone can have relationships that don’t work out – the divorce rate is absurdly high – roughly 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce, people seem to be meeting each other at least. Most people go on dates. Not me.
When I walk into the types of places I frequent like museums, concert halls, supermarkets, bookstores, or even when I used to go to bars, women look right through me like I’m a fire extinguisher or exit sign. I may not look like James Bond or Don Johnson, but I’m not a particularly homely guy, I’m in top physical shape – not an ounce of fat and full head of hair and dress well when I go out. Yet women have never looked at me. So what to do?
First of all, some geographic and demographic background. Although I’ve never had much luck with women in my younger days in Cleveland, the vast majority of my life has been spent in northern Westchester County, which is roughly an hour north of New York City. Westchester is like a black hole for single women other than 20 year olds and divorced housewives. Most single women who are past college age and younger than nursing home residents move to the city to be around other people and get higher paying jobs. Yet they sacrifice fresh air, trees, and a much lower cost of living to be down there. And driving down to the city is anything but a picnic. It’s a long drive, traffic is unbearable, it’s impossible to find parking places and it’s expensive. As time went by, I became less and less tolerant of having to deal with an excursion down there. Yet that was the only place, demographically speaking, that they inhabited.
Certain members of my family (such as my mom) are convinced that women are throwing themselves at me and I reject them all because my standards are too high. Well yes, I do have high standards. I’m well educated and as I mentioned, in great shape, so I expect at least something approaching that from a lady. But also as I mentioned, no one’s been throwing themselves at me, or even throwing a glance at me. So my plan many years ago was to try the personal ads. I started with New York Magazine and actually had some amusing experiences. Mind you, this was before the advent of the internet, so I would drive home and in my mailbox would be letters with photographs. I devised a system where I wouldn’t look at the photo until I read what the woman wrote about herself. Then I’d look and either be excited, repulsed or in hysterical laughter. I found it fascinating to see exactly how the content of the letter squared with the woman’s looks.
I actually met several of these ladies. Of the many memorable experiences that come to mind was the one who took a train up on an earth day. I met her by the Peekskill waterfront. Her photo resembled the actress Daryl Hannah. When she got off the train, I saw these strange looking hairs protruding from her chin. Not only did she not resemble Daryl Hannah, but she had a beard! Another one I met for coffee in the city. What outfit does she come parading in wearing? What looked like pajama pants! Big baggy, plaid pajama pants. No makeup. A woman without the good sense to not look like Bozo the clown on a blind date displays really poor judgement in my book. And it wasn’t done as an ironical practical joke. No hidden camera or Allen Funt. The exact opposite of “dressing for success!”
Another one I was supposed to meet in SoHo whose photo looked like the singer Sheena Easton and I was especially excited. I didn’t see her at the place we were supposed to meet so I called her from the pay phone in the vestibule (yes, it was before the advent of cell phones). Suddenly I felt a tug on my sleeve. I turned around and didn’t see anyone. Then I looked down and saw the light reflecting off a bald spot on the top of a head! Not only was she no Sheena Easton, but she was closer to a balding dwarf! Another gal I contacted was never available to meet in the evening. She wanted me to drive into the city and meet for lunch. But I worked during the day running a business and was only available after work like most people. Plus, there’s nowhere to park on weekdays in the city. I can’t remember what kind of story she told me about why she couldn’t meet after work, but I later found out that it was because she worked evenings. She was a stripper! Not that it isn’t an honest living, but she lied about it. There were many other crazy stories to tell, but you get the gist of that chapter. All I can say is that it was like comedy movie or a skit from SNL.
I went to a video dating company with a matchmaker who interviewed me, showed me videos of a few gals, but never got me a single date. I can’t recall if I ever got my money back. Then along came the internet. I tried Match.com, EHarmony, Jdate, OKcupid, Plentyoffish, and a few others. I spent a great deal of time selecting good photos of myself and writing honest blurbs about my interests and what I was looking for in a lady. I thought a halfway decent looking Jewish ethical guy with a good job, house, German luxury car, talent and interest in the arts, sense of humor would be what women always claim they’re looking for. Apparently it isn’t. Over more than ten years of these dating sites, almost nobody contacted me from my posting. (The one or two a year that did looked like one of my mother’s friends – corpulent with a face that could make a train take a dirt path and a step away from a nursing home in Boca Raton.) I contacted hundreds of women and nobody ever wrote back. I even called the corporate office of match.com in Texas to complain and the guy asked me if I lived in New York. I said yes, why? He told me that women in NY are extremely particular and have unrealistic expectations of meeting a movie star or super rich guy. Men from NY always complain about them not responding. So I decided to try a little experiment.
First, I put an honest posting on Craigslist that was similar to the ones I had put on those other aforementioned websites with the same photos of myself. And similarly to the other websites, I got zero responses. Pretty much as I expected. Par for the course. As in the scientific method, that was my control sample. A normal, honest personals ad. Next, I wrote a new ad using the exact same photos only with the heading “Billionaire Seeks Lady for LTR” or something to that effect. Unlike my real ad, I said nothing about being a good person, a romantic, artistic, creative, funny, good cook or any other admirable qualities. I don’t remember exactly what I wrote but it was brief and something to the effect of only mentioning that I was a 61 year old billionaire with (material) things like 5 houses, a Ferrari, and a private jet and I was looking for an attractive lady. That’s it. Within minutes I found out what it’s like to get responses from a personals ad! Imagine that! Must be magic! All these ads from cute 20 something year olds of all races and creeds. They loved “my ad.” So I decided to toy with them like a cat batting a mouse back and forth with its paws. I asked each one exactly what was it about my ad made them respond. Naturally, not a single one told the truth. It was such a pleasure seeing them squirm around trying to come up with some response when there really wasn’t any. “Oh, you seem interesting.” “Oh I really like older men.” “I like your profile.” “I’m far from materialistic but I love traveling to exotic European destinations.” “I wanted to get to know more about you.”
So after I batted the mouse around for a bit, I decided to sink my teeth into it and tell the shallow, disingenuous gold diggers the truth – that I’m not a billionaire but just a well enough off decent guy. If you guessed that suddenly, I wasn’t quite so “interesting” or they’d miraculously lost their magnetic fascination with older men, or with their overall appreciation of my profile, you’d be correct. Not surprisingly, not a single one was willing to continue corresponding with me, much less talk to or meet with me. I would have been shocked if a single one would. They had unwittingly proved my theory. I was the Einstein of dating ads! The following is a transcript of what I wrote back to them:
Thank you for responding to my post. I'm not saying whether I am really a billionaire or not. The point is that by responding to this add, we can assume two things: that you haven't yet found the right man you've been looking for, and that you think that by hooking a super rich guy you will solve all your problems and live happily ever after.
While this sort of thing happens quite frequently, the places it happens is only in movies, novels and dreams. Rarely on Craigslist. Super wealthy guys travel in circles with other super wealthy people, so if you're not already there, chances are you won't meet one. But here's the thing: This may not be the best path to take for enjoying a fruitful, satisfying life.
I do business with many ultra-wealthy people and I regret to inform you, most of them are not exactly the nicest of people. In fact, most of them tend to be greedy, selfish, immoral, and unscrupulous. I would characterize many of them as having dark souls, if any. Aside from them screwing anybody and everybody to obtain more money that they don't any longer need, they also expect to have exactly what they want at any time they want it because they have the money to make people do what they want and when they want it. That includes their relationships. Most of them rarely keep the wife they first married. They dump them as soon as they get too old and their looks begin fading like gum that lost all its sugar. Which may be a blessing for the woman because every time the guy goes out of town "on business," you'd better believe he calls into his hotel room 3 or 4 escorts for a romp. Why? Because he can. As I said, he's used to getting whatever he wants whenever he wants it and paying for it is no problem. And in all the high end stores where he shops or restaurants he stops in for a drink, you don't think the sales girls or women in the bar will be chatting him up? That's because they're all under the same illusion — hooking up with an ATM machine with two legs will bring joy and happiness. Back up the Brinks truck. They find it hard to believe that he just took them to a hotel room, screwed them and never spoke to them again. They're probably the second one he had that day and he's already forgotten your name.
A few real examples I've personally encountered:
Recently, I did business with a guy who was the former chairman of the international insurance firm that helped bring down the world economy. He was in his 70's and his wife was in her 30's and they had a couple of small kids. I'm sure the first few wives were thrilled. A real sweetheart. It wouldn't surprise me if he dumped her in a few years and found another younger one.
Another guy I did business with, a hedge fund & mergers & acquisitions billionaire who routinely pays $60 million for paintings, refused to pay a $60 service charge for money he had agreed to pay me on the day of the job I did for him. Instead I had to wait 4 days until he mailed it. As it turned out, I was fortunate. (my brother knows him and warned me not to expect any "generosity.") An architect friend of mine told me that his buddy, who was the best man at his own wedding, whom I happen to know because I was at the wedding, built that particular estate for the billionaire where we met. This nice billionaire refused to pay the builder the 2.5 million he owed him. The builder spent $250,000 in legal fees but never collected. He went bankrupt and his marriage broke up. I doubt the rich guy lost a night's sleep over it. Nice guy, huh? (In recent times, he was discovered to have had close ties to Epstein and was cast out of his own company)
I recently did work for the ex-wife of that Russian energy tycoon that Putin tossed in prison — formerly the richest man in Russia worth 15 bil. Of course he dumped his old wife and got a fresh new one. And with all the money she got out of the divorce, she ended up haggling with me for two hours over a few piddly bucks. As cheap as cheap can be.
I have a relative who recently passed away. He was enormously wealthy — built a hospital wing in New Jersey with his name all over it, and was the board chairman of dozens of organizations. The best way to describe him would be "a reptile." Once he made a fortune, he stopped talking to anyone in his rather large family except my dad, because my dad's father supported his parents when times were tough in the 30's and 40's. In the 30 odd years I've lived in NY, he's never talked to me. He flew into Ohio to attend my dad's funeral which was nice, but he only spoke with my brother, who is a wealth manager, and afterward, my brother told me that he only talked about himself the whole time. Never once asked how my brother's wife or kids were. His whole world revolved around him. I didn't shed any tears when I heard of his passing, and neither did most of the few remaining relatives.
I had dinner with this very elderly guy who I met through a friend. He founded one of the major Wall Street investment firms, in fact his name is part of the name of the firm. He also has his own art museum at a local college which also is named after him. I was hoping to have him buy some of my paintings since he was a famous art collector. He was living at the Pierre Hotel — a whole floor, and he took me to dinner at the restaurant downstairs. At dinner, the waiter made the egregious error of putting sauce on his steak instead of on the side. He cursed the poor guy out as if he'd burned his house down and raped his wife. You never heard such language, and this is a poor working stiff who probably has to commute a long distance for this abuse by someone who he has to see at many meals. A nasty, horrible man if ever there was one. Of course he was too cheap to buy any of my paintings or lift a finger by referring me to another collector or his museum.
A friend of mine who has done quite well for himself, and has mansions in our hometown in the midwest as well as in Florida and owns Bentleys, Aston Martins, Mercedes, etc, and recently bought a fancy condo in Manhattan. Though he had a nice girlfriend in Florida for years, unbeknownst to her, he buys hookers all over Florida as well as in his travels throughout Asia and Europe, and when he comes to NYC, he schedules two dates a day via a millionaires website where flocks of gold diggers are just dying to meet him. He buys the girls expensive lunches and dinners, then takes them to his apartment and then never sees them again. He laughs and tells me they all want to marry him, but he never plans to see any of them again. He's a nice guy, but not if you're a woman in a relationship with him.
And last, I just read where this super wealthy shmuck Roger Ailes, the chairman of Fox Television, when he was with NBC, told a lady producer who wanted a $100 a week raise that he'd give it to her on the condition that he could sleep with her any time he wanted. Gosh, what generosity! And his political involvement is enough to make his misogyny look like the benevolence of Mother Theresa.
So the grass always looks greener, but by hooking a rich guy, the chances of your life being all polka dots and moonbeams is less than if you looked for an ordinary man with a good heart; a man who cares about people and doing something that matters, as opposed to just acquiring more and more wealth that he'll never be able to spend and more possessions that he'll ever be able to use. You can't take it with you, and in the end, the way you live your life and the memories you take with you become more important than the sum of your material possessions and bank account.
With that said, if you would like to meet a real person, a "human" being with a heart, who is not a millionaire or billionaire, but an upper-middle class man of comfortable enough means — his own business and house and Audi in Westchester, Ivy educated, never married, strong family values, decent looking, charming, extremely physically fit with a great sense of humor and wit, well-traveled, very creative and successful in the visual arts, music, a published author, as well as a great cook; a man who has solid midwestern ethics and values, who doesn't run around with all kinds of women and prefers the simple life to the superficial jet-set life, who is, in essence, a "nice Jewish boy" who is truly looking for a long term relationship rather than a one night stand, then please respond affirmatively and a conversation will happily be initiated. If your life dreams of striking gold in a literally financial sense have not yet been extinguished, then I wish you much success in your endeavor (your good looks in exchange for his money…hmmm, what does that sound like?) But if your dreams involve a price above gold with a real person with a soul, or as Neil Young put it, a "heart of gold," a guy you can share feelings and experiences, ideas and dreams with in the real world, then you may want to meet me. Hope to hear from you.I may not really be a billionaire but this is the real photo (The one posted in the billionaire ad) of the person you'd be contacting.
One other example of this that comes to mind is a fellow who used to be a very close friend of mine. He was also from an upper middle class Jewish family, but by no means wealthy. He also could never meet women and was quite depressed about it. One day he met a rather homely blue collar woman who took a liking to him and he married her, because he didn’t think he’d ever meet another woman. During the course of the marriage, he became “fabulously” wealthy in his father’s business, and after a couple decades, decided to dump her. He bought expensive clothes and cars and big houses, and overpriced tasteless art, flew on exotic vacations all around the world and flashed the cash around. Magically, he found he was able to meet women with no trouble whatsoever. He got into a whole series of relationships and if the woman gave him any problems, he just got rid of her like yesterday’s newspaper and found a new one the next day. Now what was it about him that suddenly turned him into an international playboy from an undesirable nobody? Any guesses?
Circling back to the title of this little essay, “What Women Want,” sadly, I think this little experiment reveals the answer quite clearly. While I understand the Darwinian explanation of natural selection embedded in the female’s DNA, that their chances of survival are improved by being with a wealthier man, just as in prehistoric times, they would vie for the strongest male, there are far more nuanced variables that one should consider to be viable. A man doesn’t need to be rich to lead a rewarding life. If he makes a living and can afford most reasonable things, and is a good guy and a kind guy, the woman can certainly enjoy a fulfilling life with him. Nowadays, most women also work so there would be a dual income. There seems to be no more sense of a partnership, where the couple is a team who weathers life’s storms together, coming to each other’s aid and enjoying the fruits of their mutual labors. This experiment shows that money is all that matters and that many women just want to be catered to and showered in material luxury with only their bodies as collateral. This conclusion obviously doesn’t apply to every woman because of course there are some attractive ladies with a good heart who actually are looking for a kind, compassionate man without regards to his net worth. Magic can indeed happen. Conversely, some are even willing to financially support the man. Be that as it may, this experiment obviously appears to put them in the minority. What women want? It’s a damn shame.